I’m Stuck – Fibromyalgia Warrior

Posted on March 27, 2021February 11, 2022 by chronicwoman

I don’t know how this post is going to turn out, but here it goes. Maybe if I write it down, I’ll figure it out. I’m stuck! And I need to get unstuck.

We are once again planning on putting our house on the market, and we have so much to pack I don’t know where to start. Anywhere at this point would be good!

I’ve mostly been stuck in bed and have been since the 2nd week in January! I honestly was getting over pneumonia and the flu for the significant part of January. At that point, I’d had pneumonia twice since September, and then ended up with horrible flu over Christmas. However, we are almost through April! My exhaustion, pain, and anxiety still have their way with me nearly every damn day! This has got to stop!

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I’ve thought maybe it’s because I’m lazy. I was thinking perhaps I am genuinely exhibiting sloth-like characteristics (one of the seven deadly sins) and this was entirely in my control to stop this lazy behavior. If I stopped being so lazy, maybe I’d feel better?

I planned my next day. I had a schedule full of activities! I wrote down what I’d wear, eat, and when I’d clean, blog, read blogs, walk the dogs, even when I’d rest! Goodbye sloth person!

The next day I got up, got dressed, and crawled right back into bed. My back was killing me! My ears were painfully ringing. Then my anxiety kicked in, and I had a panic attack. Not my idea of a good day…

Was I freaking myself out? I could’ve prevented that panic attack, probably. Time for a new plan… I would “meander” the next day. I would trick myself into thinking nothing was going on as I got dressed, ate, and did my tasks. I must admit, it worked for about three days, then exhaustion took over. I didn’t have enough energy to do anything. I looked like a newborn Bambi when I tried to get out of bed. But I was in so much pain, I couldn’t sleep! Painsomnia is real. I’d doze off for an hour here or there but even hoping for a three-hour consecutive stint of sleep was an unobtainable goal.

This is where I am today, AWARE that this is a problem! AWARE that something has to change. AWARE that the weather’s getting nice and I need to get outdoors, not to mention pack so we can sell our house! So I’m going to do something about it. I’m going to try something drastic… I’m going to leave my home!

My siblings and I now own my dad’s old farm place in western Minnesota. This has turned into our family retreat. This Sunday, I am going to the farm by myself for one week. (One of my sisters does reside there so I won’t be completely alone.)

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I am counting on a change of scenery to get me out of the stuck place I find myself lingering in. I am relying on reduced awareness of pain and the inability to stay in bed as there are things that must be done on the farm. It is not a farm with animals but the land is farmed, and the house and surrounding grounds are huge and need constant attention.

Sometimes we need to jump out of the frying pan into the fire… don’t you think? Sometimes a change of scenery is the best gift we can give ourselves. I am slowly packing this week and am nothing short of terrified that this is not a smart move, but I have a backup plan in place (my husband will come for me if I need him). I’m tired of feeling like a lazy and sloth-like sinner!