Today, I stepped back into a place I haven’t visited in a long time……One year to the day to be exact since I last ventured anywhere close. It wasn’t intentional or deliberate to visit on this day, it just kind of happened. It felt like taking a trip down memory lane. I was curious and I suppose I wanted to see if everything was still the same. Truth be told, it was and it wasn’t.
The surroundings were familiar enough, nothing much had changed but in a sense everything had changed. I had changed. That seemed to make all the difference.
So where did I go you might ask? Where was this place that had conjured up so many mixed emotions and left me in floods of tears?
The answer, it was right here, the blog!!
My last post here was 3rd October, 2018. 12 whole months since I had reached out to my fellow warriors with love and support. 365 days, that I haven’t had the confidence to write from the heart and reach out. 52 weeks of being in the wilderness and feeling disconnected from everything and everyone.
The truth is that I was struggling so bad myself that I felt that I had nothing to give you. How could I make things fantastic for those who came to get support and guidance. I couldn’t even help myself. So, I retreated. I let life happen to me whilst all the time trying desperately to distance myself from the mental and physical pain I was battling against.
One of my coping strategies, the love of writing fell by the wayside and once that I happened my outlet for expression went too. I bottled everything up inside, giving the appearance all was well in my world, whilst the reality was far from good.
My self confidence was at rock bottom and I felt that I had nothing to offer anymore.
All of my words of wisdom had dried up and I was just another chronic pain warrior, battling through each day with nothing new to share. No advice to give and no words of comfort.
As I logged on today, I read my last blog post and replayed over and over the video clip that I had attached to the post. It was then and still is today an incredibly powerful version of “This Is Me” from the film The Greatest Showman. As I listened, the words
“Another round of bullets hits my skin Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in.”
resonated so deep within me that I could have easily sunk to the ground with emotion. I had let shame me get the better of me. I was ashamed to really share the struggle…..if I wasn’t Fibro Fantastic then I thought I had nothing anybody would want to hear.
But, recently I have been working so hard on authenticity.
Coming to terms with who I am, who I always was and who I have become. Acknowledging that if people can’t deal with the real me, then there is no point in having them in my life. I wanted to send the imposter away and take the real Tracey by the hand and bring her out of hiding.
As I played the video clip Keala Settle’s voice wracked with emotion was like a light going on. It felt as though now, this was my anthem. My mantra. My shout out to the world that I make no apologies. – This is me!!
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
For now, I am back.
To share my words and feelings from my heart feels like a huge release. I need an outlet for my journey, the one that has both physical and mental pain as passengers. It has been here all along – my blog, my corner of the virtual world. A place where people stand together, as members of an invisible club, where only we understand the rules.
Going forward, I don’t know the direction Fibro Fantastic Wellness Coaching will take, but I do know this will be as much about me as it is about you. I can’t help you, if I can’t help me. So, for now I feel that the blog will take on more of a journey feeling. Letting you into my new world of struggle, despair, the battles, the highs and the lows.
I am still Tracey the Wellness Coach, but I am also Tracey the fighter who is vulnerable and scared of the future, just like the rest of you. But I am home and for now I will take that!
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